And in January.

January. It's cold, your belly is stuffed with holiday treats, your throat's sore from explaining to countless extended family members' blank faces why you're perfectly happy not being married yet (even at 25..gasp!), and you're left packing up the Christmas cheer for 12 more months. Yeesh. Not a pleasant sight. In an effort to bring the positivity back into their lives, most people make resolutions, but often they're the same things they said at the beginning of last year - i.e. lose weight, make more money, ask that girl out, and...lose more weight. I don't know how I feel about the prevalence of this situation. Actually, I know. It's sucky, and that's not how I want to live my life.

While I can't do much about the cold (even though today's high in Denver is 55! What. Up.), I can change my attitude about my upcoming year. It began two years ago when I made a resolution to make sure my resolutions were about things that would make a significant difference in my life. I was in my first year out of college, and had no idea where life was taking me. In the time since, I have worked to fall in love with my body, stay active both physically and socially, be smart about my money, embrace this adventure, and show God everyday how much I love Him! Well, I'm still working on that last one, which, ironically, is the most important.

There is so much potential at the beginning of a new year. So much hope, and so much promise that this year will be your best year yet. I hope to have many exciting updates in 2012. Stay posted.

There is a Season

A couple of weeks ago some friends and I were discussing the seasons of change from Ecclesiastes 3. The last part of v.8 is "a right time to wage war and another to make peace" (Message). While this past year has lent itself to exponential spiritual growth, I recently found myself in a season of waging war with God. Certainly not out of hatred or malice; more out of arrogance and apathy (Thank you Gil Jones for helping me to put my swagger in check). I was holding the attitude of having everything together, compartmentalizing everything in my life, including my relationship with God. I had it all under control, and God fit neatly in my pocket, ready to be called on if something disastrous happened. Otherwise, I'd take care of it. Boy, am I wrong. Turns out, I'm wrong a lot. How's that for swagger?

This realization sparked the evolution of my current season of peace-making. Adopting a renewed sense of humility, and inviting God into each part of my day - my commute, my interaction with WB, my patience with my kiddos, my phone call to my boyfriend, my email to my suitie, my dinner with my roommate. All of it. And what amazing things can happen! Already I've had an overwhelming sense of patience at work, much less stress, and many more positive interactions. Simply stunning.

However, I also realized that I'm doing a lot of talking to God. No healthy relationship thrives on lectures. I'm seeking a loving dialogue with Him. The first step is inviting Him into every part of my life, but the next step is to just shut up for once so I can actually hear what He might be trying to tell me. Sounds good. The only problem is, I'm not exactly sure how to shut up.

Taking some lessons from a book I've been reading, I decided to start meditating. Not in the om shanti shanti kind of way; just a chance to quiet my own incessant thoughts long enough for God to get a word in edgewise. I decided to live a more balanced life in 2011, but it's hard to think of things that bring me true joy when my mind is literally always racing. Let me tell you, it's not an easy task. The other night I sat down in my noiseless apartment and closed my eyes. I decided I would just sit as long as I could in this inaugural meditation, just to get the hang of it.

Too bad as soon as I closed my eyes I became aware that I've been singing the same song in my head all day. The volume is turned down at times, but it's never completely off. Part of my brain is singing, and the other part is trying to get it to shut up, while still another part is wondering why it's taking me so long to quiet my thoughts, and even another part is getting frustrated that this meditation thing is not happening as easily as I thought. Cue the little violin.

I do find solace that God, despite how many tries it will take me to successfully evolve my meditation practice, never rolls His eyes or sighs in frustration. He loves my anyway. He always greets me with His arms wide open and His listening ears on.

Acknowledged as a BookWorm

Last Sunday afternoon I found myself with some time to kill before heading to church, so I started driving and ended up at one of my favorite places - the Tattered Cover Bookstore. Checking out this site would definitely be a highlight of any Denver visit, but being in the Uptown neighborhood, I went to the less-historical location on Colfax.

I’ve been an avid reader since kindergarten when Mrs. Davis took me up to the front office to have me show off to the administration by reading Three Kittens Who Lost Their Mittens. Partially due to my own pride of acquiring a skill not mastered by many of my peers, and partially due to the fact that books were always around and available at home, I became a lifelong reader. Each New Year’s since my college graduation, in addition to thinking about and writing out resolutions, I make a list of 50 or so books on my annual reading list. I haven’t made it through it’s entirety (though in 2010 I read 30 books!), but it gives me some structure of what to look for when I walk into a library or a bookstore.

The reason I love Tattered Cover is not just because of the availability of the books. It’s also the opportunity to make yourself unavailable. You can take a moment to breathe. Your cell phone is on silent, and people are talking quietly, if at all. It’s easy to separate yourself from the rest of the space, because the shelves are much higher than one’s head, and the strategically-placed chairs and love-seats beckon you to select a book and begin reading. I could go on and on about all the reasons why I love spending time in a bookstore, and why Tattered Cover stands out among the big international chains, but I think what I loved the most that day is the simplicity of the experience. I was, in a few moments, able to disconnect from the constant buzz of my busy life, and just sit. And think. And write a blog.

Happppy Anniversary!

Today marks my first five months as a preschool teacher! I feel so lucky to be a part of a center with a great child-centered mission where people actually like their jobs and the kids are actually happy to be at school. Although some days I feel like I'm going to scream if I hear my name one more time ("Miss Catherine? Miss Catherine? Miss Catherine? (begins to poke my arm) Miss Catherine? Miss Catherine? (begins to pull at my hand) Miss Catherine?"...See? It's exhausting just typing it out, much less listening to it), most of the time it's easy peasy. Nice and easy. Light and breezy. Ha-huh.

A lot of my day is spent facilitating conflict management, but the rest of the time I'm simply happy to just be with them. Talk to them. And this is where the rest of my post comes in - I just want to share some of the things I get to hear at work:

(In preparation for going to a gymnastics field trip) "Miss Catherine? You will have so much fun you will love it and you will smile and tears will come to your eyes." - N*, 4/M

(On St. Patty's Day) "Mischievous means sneaky and I don't like leprechauns because they're sneaky." - I*, 4/F

N - "I'm going to drink 10,000 cups of juice!"
Me - "If you drank 10,000 cups of juice you would explode!"
N - "No, if you drink too much juice God will pop you in your eye."
Me - "Who?"
N - "GOD!"
C - "No He won't because God made the whole world, (looks at me) right?"
Me - "Right."
C - "God made two people that made the rest of the people That would take them a really long time."
Me - "hahahaha. You're right."

(Talking about his upcoming birthday...in September) "I'm going to have lots of pinatas and lots of candy at my house and have a big cake and I'm going to invite everyone in the whole world to my party. I'm going to use a bat and hit the pinata (pronounced pe-yawn-a) really hard and all of the candy will fall out and then I'll have a bag o' candy."
Me - "And you'll share it with your sister?"
"No." - B*, 4/M

Finally, we got our kiddos to answer questionnaires as part of their Mother's Day gifts. Here are some of my favorite responses:

How tall is your mommy?
- taller than a refrigerator - 42 inches - like 1,000 - I haven't asked her

How old is your mommy?
- I don't know...20 - she's been a mommy for a very long time - 6 because she's already too big - 60 - she can't tell me

If your mommy were an elephant, what kind would she be?
elephant - rhino - hippo - butterfly

My mommy is as pretty as...
- What? Tell me. - an alien - a princess - a buffalo - a mermaid

Nobody is better than my mommy at...
- our home - making space pancakes...I had those this morning! - doing breakfast and all sorts of things

I love my mommy because...
- she's my family - she's so cute! - she looks really great - she's my biggest, friendliest, grown-up!

These 4-year olds are SO CUTE. Even though they're mostly before the point of being able to formulate long-term memories, I still like to think that I have some semblance of an influence on my kiddos. But what's really great about this job, is that they continue to teach ME and influence ME every day, which will last my lifetime :)

xo.

I Can't Get No...

Why are we, as human beings, never satisfied? It's like we have this unnatural (although everyone feels it, I think) need for satisfaction! We are unable to take a situation for exactly what it is, and accept it, and be content. At least I can't. But I'm trying.

I'm dating an amazing man. Godly. Caring. Smart. Super cute. :) He recognizes that I'm a commitment-phobe, and supports and encourages me despite it. We don't talk about the distant future with us, because he realizes that words and topics that insinuate we'll still be blissfully together by a certain time (even this summer) make my heart beat faster and I get short of breath. Basically, I feel the need to run away. Fight or flight. He constantly (and patiently) reminds me that we are taking this relationship day by day. Right now, we love spending time together, and learning about each other; and that's all that matters.

But, my brain is ingrained to think about the future. Maybe because I've already been in a relationship where I knew from the beginning I wanted to be with him forever, so any day after that was one day closer to our wedding. Maybe because I'm in my mid-twenties, and when you date someone in your mid-twenties, my world tells me it's a waste of time unless you're heading towards marriage. It's like dating, at this point, is merely a means to the end. The end being a marriage and a lifelong commitment.

But why can't dating just be dating? I was spilling my heart out to a friend last night, and after patiently listening (for way too long because I get a little wordy :)) he said, "Cathy, I'm telling you this the sweetest way I can...LET.IT.GO. Just LET IT GO!!" I mean, my boyfriend is good to the core. That's the easiest way to describe him - he's so GOOD. Stop picking out the littlest things to freak out about. Stop looking for reasons to push him away. So what if we might disagree on how to parent children, we don't have children; we're not even married; we're not even engaged!

So, I'm going to work on it. Less freaking out about the future, more focus and engagement on each day I get to spend with him. Besides me bringing him home with me at the end of May (I'm so excited for him to meet my friends and family!), the only thing we're planning for in our future is a Nuggets game. And that's ok with me. And that's ok with him. And the world can just get the freak over it.

Home is Where the Heart Is?

So my mom called me out, in the sweetest way of course, the other day. I was telling her about something that I’ve got to do when I get “home” (as in Denver), and she was quick to remind me that no, my home is not Denver. My home is here, in North Carolina, with her. Moving to a new city without friends or family has created two worlds for me. These worlds of my Denver life and my NC life are so completely different, which makes them so completely separate, that it’s difficult for me to create any ties to bind them together.

Which is fine to me, because even though my experiences and friendships and routines are radically different in each of these places, I still consider myself to have two homes. I feel just as comfortable in Denver with my roommates and friends and new job (yay!) as I do sleeping in my childhood bedroom and eating dinner with my family and hanging out with my best friends from high school and college in North Carolina.

It only becomes a problem when I have the “out of sight, out of mind” attitude by absorbing myself into my new surroundings. That’s when I forget to keep my friends personally updated on my life, and they have to get all their knowledge from some awesome online reading material instead. ;)

I guess, all in all, I’m a really lucky girl. I’ve got two places where I can find acceptance, encouragement, understanding, and love; all of those things you find at home. And hopefully, as 2010 is coming to a close, you're hanging in a place where you can find those things as well.

Room for Impact

This weekend was an emotional one for me.

A couple of weeks ago my nanny family informed me that because the parents had a diminished workload, and were taking in his mother to live with them full-time, they wouldn't be able to afford my childcare services any longer. Not only was I totally close with them and their baby, but that job also provided half of my monthly income. I can certainly make do on less, and should be able to begin substituting in January, but this is coming an a very inopportune time. November and December just happen to be the most expensive months of my entire year. So I'm nervous about being able to pay my bills. My last day of work with that family was Friday, also my 24th birthday.

And now I'm in my mid-twenties, and going through a quarter-life crisis. I've already learned my lesson about making my own plans without paying attention to what God's really trying to tell me - but now my impatience is trying to take over. Sometimes I still feel ultra directionless, and can't even conceive a way to get started.

Saturday we had a smashingly successful party to celebrate four birthdays, mine included. Nothing scary or emotional about that, except for the fact (and I'm speaking for all of us) that we are so incredibly lucky to have the friends we do, and we all felt ultra loved :)

We're in the midst of a new series at my church about taking time out of your life to actually relax and breathe. Coming from my Wake Forest background, that's not something I do easily, and my current list of extra-curricular activities proves it. I'm trying my darndest to not make money or my job my idol, and I'm slowly starting to realize that perhaps God is closing this nannying door temporarily to get my attention. Now I have more free time in my afternoon to work on my potential job and school applications, and to spend more time with Him. I was convicted to the point of tears on Sunday about how I've let my activities come between me and my God. Even if I'm doing wonderful, community service-y, churchy things, that still shouldn't be my replacement for conversations with God. He knew I wasn't going to create time on my own, so He created it for me. It couldn't be a clearer sign. I'm making room in my life for impact.

Thank goodness for His unconditional love, that even when I ignore Him and try to do it on my own, or fill my time so completely that there's no time to bask in His wonderfulness, He still so lovingly offers me grace. Even when I'm in the middle of my own pity party full of doubt He offers me acceptance. Guillermo says it perfectly - "Jesus loves knuckleheads."

Can I get an Amen?