Room for Impact

This weekend was an emotional one for me.

A couple of weeks ago my nanny family informed me that because the parents had a diminished workload, and were taking in his mother to live with them full-time, they wouldn't be able to afford my childcare services any longer. Not only was I totally close with them and their baby, but that job also provided half of my monthly income. I can certainly make do on less, and should be able to begin substituting in January, but this is coming an a very inopportune time. November and December just happen to be the most expensive months of my entire year. So I'm nervous about being able to pay my bills. My last day of work with that family was Friday, also my 24th birthday.

And now I'm in my mid-twenties, and going through a quarter-life crisis. I've already learned my lesson about making my own plans without paying attention to what God's really trying to tell me - but now my impatience is trying to take over. Sometimes I still feel ultra directionless, and can't even conceive a way to get started.

Saturday we had a smashingly successful party to celebrate four birthdays, mine included. Nothing scary or emotional about that, except for the fact (and I'm speaking for all of us) that we are so incredibly lucky to have the friends we do, and we all felt ultra loved :)

We're in the midst of a new series at my church about taking time out of your life to actually relax and breathe. Coming from my Wake Forest background, that's not something I do easily, and my current list of extra-curricular activities proves it. I'm trying my darndest to not make money or my job my idol, and I'm slowly starting to realize that perhaps God is closing this nannying door temporarily to get my attention. Now I have more free time in my afternoon to work on my potential job and school applications, and to spend more time with Him. I was convicted to the point of tears on Sunday about how I've let my activities come between me and my God. Even if I'm doing wonderful, community service-y, churchy things, that still shouldn't be my replacement for conversations with God. He knew I wasn't going to create time on my own, so He created it for me. It couldn't be a clearer sign. I'm making room in my life for impact.

Thank goodness for His unconditional love, that even when I ignore Him and try to do it on my own, or fill my time so completely that there's no time to bask in His wonderfulness, He still so lovingly offers me grace. Even when I'm in the middle of my own pity party full of doubt He offers me acceptance. Guillermo says it perfectly - "Jesus loves knuckleheads."

Can I get an Amen?