There is a Season

A couple of weeks ago some friends and I were discussing the seasons of change from Ecclesiastes 3. The last part of v.8 is "a right time to wage war and another to make peace" (Message). While this past year has lent itself to exponential spiritual growth, I recently found myself in a season of waging war with God. Certainly not out of hatred or malice; more out of arrogance and apathy (Thank you Gil Jones for helping me to put my swagger in check). I was holding the attitude of having everything together, compartmentalizing everything in my life, including my relationship with God. I had it all under control, and God fit neatly in my pocket, ready to be called on if something disastrous happened. Otherwise, I'd take care of it. Boy, am I wrong. Turns out, I'm wrong a lot. How's that for swagger?

This realization sparked the evolution of my current season of peace-making. Adopting a renewed sense of humility, and inviting God into each part of my day - my commute, my interaction with WB, my patience with my kiddos, my phone call to my boyfriend, my email to my suitie, my dinner with my roommate. All of it. And what amazing things can happen! Already I've had an overwhelming sense of patience at work, much less stress, and many more positive interactions. Simply stunning.

However, I also realized that I'm doing a lot of talking to God. No healthy relationship thrives on lectures. I'm seeking a loving dialogue with Him. The first step is inviting Him into every part of my life, but the next step is to just shut up for once so I can actually hear what He might be trying to tell me. Sounds good. The only problem is, I'm not exactly sure how to shut up.

Taking some lessons from a book I've been reading, I decided to start meditating. Not in the om shanti shanti kind of way; just a chance to quiet my own incessant thoughts long enough for God to get a word in edgewise. I decided to live a more balanced life in 2011, but it's hard to think of things that bring me true joy when my mind is literally always racing. Let me tell you, it's not an easy task. The other night I sat down in my noiseless apartment and closed my eyes. I decided I would just sit as long as I could in this inaugural meditation, just to get the hang of it.

Too bad as soon as I closed my eyes I became aware that I've been singing the same song in my head all day. The volume is turned down at times, but it's never completely off. Part of my brain is singing, and the other part is trying to get it to shut up, while still another part is wondering why it's taking me so long to quiet my thoughts, and even another part is getting frustrated that this meditation thing is not happening as easily as I thought. Cue the little violin.

I do find solace that God, despite how many tries it will take me to successfully evolve my meditation practice, never rolls His eyes or sighs in frustration. He loves my anyway. He always greets me with His arms wide open and His listening ears on.