I Can't Get No...

Why are we, as human beings, never satisfied? It's like we have this unnatural (although everyone feels it, I think) need for satisfaction! We are unable to take a situation for exactly what it is, and accept it, and be content. At least I can't. But I'm trying.

I'm dating an amazing man. Godly. Caring. Smart. Super cute. :) He recognizes that I'm a commitment-phobe, and supports and encourages me despite it. We don't talk about the distant future with us, because he realizes that words and topics that insinuate we'll still be blissfully together by a certain time (even this summer) make my heart beat faster and I get short of breath. Basically, I feel the need to run away. Fight or flight. He constantly (and patiently) reminds me that we are taking this relationship day by day. Right now, we love spending time together, and learning about each other; and that's all that matters.

But, my brain is ingrained to think about the future. Maybe because I've already been in a relationship where I knew from the beginning I wanted to be with him forever, so any day after that was one day closer to our wedding. Maybe because I'm in my mid-twenties, and when you date someone in your mid-twenties, my world tells me it's a waste of time unless you're heading towards marriage. It's like dating, at this point, is merely a means to the end. The end being a marriage and a lifelong commitment.

But why can't dating just be dating? I was spilling my heart out to a friend last night, and after patiently listening (for way too long because I get a little wordy :)) he said, "Cathy, I'm telling you this the sweetest way I can...LET.IT.GO. Just LET IT GO!!" I mean, my boyfriend is good to the core. That's the easiest way to describe him - he's so GOOD. Stop picking out the littlest things to freak out about. Stop looking for reasons to push him away. So what if we might disagree on how to parent children, we don't have children; we're not even married; we're not even engaged!

So, I'm going to work on it. Less freaking out about the future, more focus and engagement on each day I get to spend with him. Besides me bringing him home with me at the end of May (I'm so excited for him to meet my friends and family!), the only thing we're planning for in our future is a Nuggets game. And that's ok with me. And that's ok with him. And the world can just get the freak over it.

Home is Where the Heart Is?

So my mom called me out, in the sweetest way of course, the other day. I was telling her about something that I’ve got to do when I get “home” (as in Denver), and she was quick to remind me that no, my home is not Denver. My home is here, in North Carolina, with her. Moving to a new city without friends or family has created two worlds for me. These worlds of my Denver life and my NC life are so completely different, which makes them so completely separate, that it’s difficult for me to create any ties to bind them together.

Which is fine to me, because even though my experiences and friendships and routines are radically different in each of these places, I still consider myself to have two homes. I feel just as comfortable in Denver with my roommates and friends and new job (yay!) as I do sleeping in my childhood bedroom and eating dinner with my family and hanging out with my best friends from high school and college in North Carolina.

It only becomes a problem when I have the “out of sight, out of mind” attitude by absorbing myself into my new surroundings. That’s when I forget to keep my friends personally updated on my life, and they have to get all their knowledge from some awesome online reading material instead. ;)

I guess, all in all, I’m a really lucky girl. I’ve got two places where I can find acceptance, encouragement, understanding, and love; all of those things you find at home. And hopefully, as 2010 is coming to a close, you're hanging in a place where you can find those things as well.

Room for Impact

This weekend was an emotional one for me.

A couple of weeks ago my nanny family informed me that because the parents had a diminished workload, and were taking in his mother to live with them full-time, they wouldn't be able to afford my childcare services any longer. Not only was I totally close with them and their baby, but that job also provided half of my monthly income. I can certainly make do on less, and should be able to begin substituting in January, but this is coming an a very inopportune time. November and December just happen to be the most expensive months of my entire year. So I'm nervous about being able to pay my bills. My last day of work with that family was Friday, also my 24th birthday.

And now I'm in my mid-twenties, and going through a quarter-life crisis. I've already learned my lesson about making my own plans without paying attention to what God's really trying to tell me - but now my impatience is trying to take over. Sometimes I still feel ultra directionless, and can't even conceive a way to get started.

Saturday we had a smashingly successful party to celebrate four birthdays, mine included. Nothing scary or emotional about that, except for the fact (and I'm speaking for all of us) that we are so incredibly lucky to have the friends we do, and we all felt ultra loved :)

We're in the midst of a new series at my church about taking time out of your life to actually relax and breathe. Coming from my Wake Forest background, that's not something I do easily, and my current list of extra-curricular activities proves it. I'm trying my darndest to not make money or my job my idol, and I'm slowly starting to realize that perhaps God is closing this nannying door temporarily to get my attention. Now I have more free time in my afternoon to work on my potential job and school applications, and to spend more time with Him. I was convicted to the point of tears on Sunday about how I've let my activities come between me and my God. Even if I'm doing wonderful, community service-y, churchy things, that still shouldn't be my replacement for conversations with God. He knew I wasn't going to create time on my own, so He created it for me. It couldn't be a clearer sign. I'm making room in my life for impact.

Thank goodness for His unconditional love, that even when I ignore Him and try to do it on my own, or fill my time so completely that there's no time to bask in His wonderfulness, He still so lovingly offers me grace. Even when I'm in the middle of my own pity party full of doubt He offers me acceptance. Guillermo says it perfectly - "Jesus loves knuckleheads."

Can I get an Amen?

Here's What I Think, How a Ballot You?

As I am now a Colorado resident (new license and plates!), I decided to take part in my civic responsibilities and vote on November 2. I'd done my best to prepare for the election by researching candidates and issues that would be on our ballot.

However, I was in for quite the surprise when I got to the end of the ballot. After deciding on amendments for lowered taxes and abortion rights, I read this question:

Initiative 300

Shall voters for the City and County of Denver adopt an Initiated Ordinance to require the creation of an extraterrestrial affairs commission to help ensure the health, safety, and cultural awareness of Denver residents and visitors in relation to potential encounters or interactions with extraterrestrial intelligent beings or their vehicles, and fund such commission from grants, gifts and donations?

Say whaaat? I thought it was a joke, and actually looked around my polling precinct for the hidden camera, but no camera. This was serious business. Luckily, more than 84% of Denverites voted down the ordinance. For now, no UFO commission, but I heard that Denver is an "ideal" location for an extraterrestrial experience, so I'll keep you posted. :)

Embracing the Adventure - Part 2: The Reflection

I'm slowly beginning to recognize that this series of events was always God's plan. Things have not gone my way for the last year and a half, and for good reason. See, I'm an ultra prideful person. And the worst part is, I never realized it was a problem. I was blinded by my own pridefulness. The changes to my plan are God's way of saying "Hey Cathy, I'm going to bring you down a notch because I have incredible things planned for you and your huge ego and plans are getting in the way." There's a difference in "being proud of my accomplishments" (New Year's 2009) than the pridefulness that fueled my thoughts and actions. For example, I always had this attitude that nannying was "beneath my expertise." WHAT? Get serious. I used so much of my teacher training during my nannying experience and have realized all over again why I love working with children. I'm so embarrassed to admit that; so many of my dear friends have nannied and I always secretly felt sorry for them. WHAT? Get serious. So, I'm terribly sorry and hope you can forgive my stupid thoughts against an honest, awesome way to work with kids.

Finally, I'm changing my attitude. Thanks to this unplanned experience, I've made some incredibly dear friendships, been challenged professionally, and developed spiritually. I've found an outlet to volunteer with elementary educational tutoring/mentoring, and will substitute here in local school systems while I'm reapplying for my professional Colorado teaching license.

This is the adventure I was seeking. I don't know what's in store for my life in the next 6 months, much less the next year or the next 10 years. All I know is that I'm asking God to change my heart for honest and altruistic motivations, and to help me abandon my selfish nature to glorify Him. I'm trying to constantly seek His plan, and trying my best to keep my ego in check. I think my 2011 resolution should be a nice mix of the last two years:

Embrace God's adventure for my life, no matter what the future holds.
Amen.

Embracing the Adventure - Part 1: The Recollection

So I've been computerless for the last few weeks, and I finally sucked it up and bought a new one so we've got TWO NEW POSTS comin' at ya. You lucky.

I recently looked back about my New Year's Resolutions from January 2009 and 2010. Most of them are the same (e.g. staying physically and socially active) but there are a couple that stand out from each year:

2009: Be proud of my accomplishments, no matter what the future holds.
2010: Embrace the adventure.

I find these two particularly interesting for a few reasons. January 2009 marked the beginning of my last semester in college. I knew the future was fairly uncertain, even though I certainly HAD a plan that I thought should be exactly executed haha In January 2010 I had already spent one full semester out of college and NOTHING that I expected to happen did. That's when I changed my attitude...sort of. God obviously had other plans for me, and it took me almost 2 years to recognize it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.

The plan all along was to secure a teaching job prior to graduation, move out to Colorado Springs, and live happily ever after. What actually happened was this:

Summer '09: No job at graduation - Not really hearing anything from Colorado schools - Kept summer student job (expecting to pickup and move at any moment) - August arrives and I still don't have a job - Too prideful to be a nanny, accept job anyway.
Fall '09: Having an incredibly experience with my nanny family - They encouraged me to move to Denver instead of the Springs - Called for a temporary position in student affairs - Accepted my new job to start in January.
Spring '10: Loving my job in student residential life - Making the ultimate decision to move to Colorado with no job and no friends
Summer '10: Make the move - Accept a part-time nanny position - Hop back on the retail train until something in education comes up - Temporary teaching license expires - Too qualified for para positions, not qualified enough for classroom teaching without a current license
Fall '10: Making the realization and accepting that I may be waiting until the 2011-2012 school year to finally secure my own classroom - Getting everything in place to substitute and network.

That's quite different from my fairytale one-line original plan, huh?

This Is It

I am happy. I mean, I’m generally a happy person; really “smiley.”

There have been many times since my trek to the west that I haven’t been so happy – there’s a lot more involved with moving half-way across the country than I originally thought: (still) dealing with life after college, striking out on my own without my friends or family, not having a full-time job, and feeling completely, utterly, and hopelessly lost.

Fortunately, I’m also an adaptive person. So I stuck to my guns, smiled my best smiles, tried new things and places, met new people, and have already made some incredible memories. I am finally beginning to feel like I belong in this new place – I’ve even picked up some of the local lingo – I’m totally on my way to being a Coloradi :)*

And now that I’ve already experienced practically every awkward moment imaginable (yeah, that’s right), I am incredibly happy. I know that sometimes I use this blog as a way to complain or talk about what’s wrong, but this time, I’m talking about what’s right. And I also know that my move was not as far away as some of my friends have so bravely done, but it was no less momentous and no less awkward haha.

So great the next day with one of your best smiles, repeat my personal mantra – “a day without laughter is a day wasted,” and just.be.happy.

*Disclaimer: They’re Coloradans, not Coloradis – I just wanted to make sure you knew that I knew the correct local lingo*